Here are the results for the 9th annual UCBW ReVengeance PPV, baby!:
In a HOT opener, the UCBW Hardcore Champion, Old Fishstix successfully defended not only his title, but his facial hair as well, defeating The Timekeeper, Justin Time in a Beard vs. Beard/Title Match! Sal The Barber really went to town on Time’s facial follicles as everyone laughed and made fun of him.
The Direct Deposit match, saw three Megastars risk their careers and lives, climbing a stepladder to retrieve Main$treet’s wallet, swipe his credit card in an ATM and retrieve his money. The coked-up Abominable Snowman retrieved the wallet and swiped the card, but an unsuccessful PIN attempt gave Main$treet the time he needed to mount a comeback. However, despite being shot so many times by a machine gun, Crust Punk came crashing back into the match and THROUGH the ATM to grab all the money and his first victory!
Beach Cop, the holder of the Contract-in-A-Fanny-Pack (allowing him to have a shot at World Heavyweight Intercontinental Championship of the World match, any time, anywhere, which he won at last year’s ReVengeance and has openly said he’ll never cash in) successfully defended said Fanny Pack in a 7-Man Battle Royal, featuring The Doorman, Panda, Vance Deferens, This Charming Man, Johnny 101, and Laundry Matt!
In contest that would rank around a 10.5 on the Muta Scale (NOT a typo), The Teenybopper and The Queen of Cheese tried their darndest to take the Women’s Championship off of Bloody Mary, but just got their faces dumped in a Diva Cup for their trouble. Bloody Mary won by hitting a double Panty Liner on both women without the help of her husband, Bedbug, as he was stuck on the 5 train at the time.
A brand new Megastar just signed from a promotion out in North Carolina, Froot Boots, issued an open challenge to any 3 Audience Members. The prize of this challenge was not only glory, but his $10,000 Rollerblades. The same rollerblades on which Froot Boots had been train in the arts of karate, ju jitsu, grappling and “some stuff you haven’t even heard of.” Starting off on the wrong foot, Froot Boots tripped and the audience members pounced, beating him up, tea-bagging him, defecating on him, and ultimately stealing his rollerblades. Afterwards, Froot Boots cried as he was forced to eat the shit.
CHIKARA’s Fire Ant & Silver Ant defended the UCBW Tag Team titles they won back at AutumnSlamn in a gauntlet match. Despite being fried with a magnifying glass, they advanced through the first match against The Party Boyz. The second match saw them facing their longtime UCBW rivals, The Bang Bros, whom fell short after failing to hit one of their more risky signature moves, More Bang For Your Buck. After which, the Colony had thought they won the whole thing and began celebrating with The Grandmas. Little did they realize,The Grandmas were the next participants and ended up getting pinned by the old dames after slipping on some loose pills, making The Grandmas UCBW’s first ever female and first ever geriatric Tag Team Champions.
The main event saw The Douche put his title and his career on the line against the living legend, The Black Planet, Marz. A brutal and bloody bout that saw run-ins from CHIKARA’s Mr. Azerbaijan and The Colony, blew the roof off the place when Marz made The Douche tap out to the Marz Shooter, ending The Douches reign of terror, not just as champion, but in the locker room. After the match, The Douche grabbed a mic and gave a teary-eyed, heartfelt goodbye. Only to immediately tell every one there that he hated them.
In a crazy turn of events, Beach Cop, who had come out presumably to celebrate his good friend, Marz’s victory ended up cashing in is beloved Contract-in-A-Fanny-Pack. Marz wasn’t going down easily. Beach Cop tried to raise the sun, but Marz pulled it back down in some cool reversal of the Elton John lyrics that he loves so very much that served as an odd, but poetic metaphor for what happened to him next. The sun went down on Marz’s title reign, when Beach Cop revealed himself to no longer be that, in fact. Losing his towel and shorts, he put on long pants and an MTA patch becoming Transit Cop and ultimately winning the UCBW World Heavyweight Intercontinental Champion of The World to a chorus of boos.